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The Journal of Marital and Sexual Therapy recently reported that 1 in 4 of us are unhappy with our sex lives. Problems with sex arise out of a combination of factors: for example lack of confidence, communication difficulties, inexperience and lack of skill, unrealistic expectations, refusal to take responsibility for our own sexual pleasure and

What many people are not aware of is that there are a vast amount of beliefs and opinions about sex that we all have and take with us into every sexual encounter. For the most part, we are not aware of out particular biases and expectations yet these unexamined yet rigid convictions have the potential to ruin any sexual experience.

1. SEXUAL FANTASY IS A BARRIER TO INTIMACY

Many people prevent themselves from having the best sexual experiences that they could have because they believe that fantasy should be restricted to masturbation and should not be an aspect of partner sex. This could not be further from the truth. Choosing whether and when to share a private desire with your partner can be exhilarating. Yet sharing is not the point of fantasy. Fantasy is all about learning what turns you on and exploring your potential to express your sexuality. It is not unusual for women to have trouble reaching orgasm with a partner because of insufficient mental arousal. She probably knows how to orgasm through masturbation but feels too guilty to enter the realm of fantasy when with her partner. The ability to be intimate is enhanced by self-knowledge and confidence and the uninhibited expression and communication of fantasy can bring people closer together.

2. PENETRATION IS THE GOAL OF SEX

Concentrating on the destination rather than the journey is responsible for the burden placed upon men to ‘perform’ on demand but is only a part of a vastly wider area of sexual possibilities. Penetration is often made the center of sex, yet oral and manual sexual activity is likely to be at least as – and frequently more – satisfying for a woman. When penetration is seen as the ‘goal’ of sex, then foreplay becomes something that leads to proper sex, rather than being a pleasure in and of itself. When sex is reduced to being a rush towards the man’s ejaculation through penetration, then it is no wonder that so many people find sex to be disinteresting and boring. It is more that the definitions of sex in our culture are shallow and trivialize the majesty and mystery that sex can be.

3 MORE SEX MEANS BETTER SEX

Quality versus quantity of sex is likely to be different at varying times. It is unrealistic to expect that sex is always going to be mind-blowing and require a heavy investment of time and effort. Variety is the key. Getting stuck in a predictable routine that both partners play out means that sometimes both quantity and quality suffer. We are surrounded by misinformation about sex. Surveys that tell us how often everybody is having sex (or more realistically, how often people say they are having sex) become methods of establishing a spurious norm of sexual activity that you may try to replicate.

Quality can suffer if you are too intent upon upping the quantity of your sexual experiences. Many people feel under pressure to have a lot of sex but this does not mean that they are going to be a better lover or have better sex. It merely means that they have more sex. Compulsive sexual behaviour can be detrimental to your sense of who you are, what you have to offer, your work, relationships. It can mask low quality sex. Comparing yourself with your perceptions of other people’s sex lives is always a destructive mode to get into. The only thing that needs matter to you is your own sexual happiness.

4 I AM JUST NOT A VERY SEXUAL PERSON

Loss of sexual desire is a common concern for many people and it is an issue that has no single cause. When you have persistent thoughts about feeling unworthy, unloved, unwanted and of not deserving of great sex, not attractive enough, you may manage to convince yourself that you just are not very sexual. Everybody has sexual energy and the capacity to express and enjoy a fulfilling sex life. What can happen is that your negative thoughts about yourself mean that you lose touch with the sexual part of yourself and start to feel disconnected from your sexuality. Identifying the internal self-talk that is damaging your sexual expression enables you to begin to re-connect with your sexuality and believe that you are no different to anyone else: you deserve and are entitled to sexual happiness. You will need to change the way you think about yourself or your label will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you are looking for evidence to back up a belief, you can always find it. It doesn’t make it right or true. It just means you see what you want to see, whatever helps you feel comfortable – even this is only the comfort to be found in what is safe, unchallenging and familiar.

5 BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE HAVE BETTER SEX.

Sex begins in the brain and sexual attraction and energy feed off of factors other than physical appearance. When you make love, you are so much more than your body. This belief feeds off the comparisons you make between yourself and other people. Beautiful people do not have more successful relationships, nor do they have better sex. Sexual fulfillment is about self-acceptance. The way you feel about your body is apparent to other people and can make sex a joy or a disaster. The danger with this belief is that you start to play the game of ‘If only’. If only I was thinner, more attractive, more sexually adventurous, then I can have the sex life that I want. When you make your dreams dependent upon some other change, then you reduce the chances that you will find the courage to make any changes at all. There is nothing to be gained by waiting. You need to start taking action to change now.

Your body image and the things you tell yourself about your sexual desirability are important factors that influence your sexual happiness. Whilst valuing your own desirability makes quality sex more achievable, loving your looks alone is no guarantee of a deeper and more solid sense of self-esteem. You can feel desirable but empty of desire. Self-acceptance and learning to love yourself extends beyond appreciating your attractiveness and incorporates an acknowledgment and respect of who you are, what you stand for and what you contribute to the world and other people.

6 THE CHILDREN MUST COME FIRST.

Many couples experience a decrease in their sexual satisfaction after they have had children. Believing that the child’s needs should always come first can mean that a total lack of privacy, time, energy and commitment makes sex a distant memory. Having children is a stressful time for every couple and the relationship dynamic will change. Balancing affection and attention between your children and your partner is a challenge that needs to be met head on.

Couples with young children need time alone to focus on each other’s needs and desires. They need to listen and respect each other and acknowledge their sexual situation, whatever it is. Being a mother or a father does not mean that you have to give up being yourself. It is important to set boundaries with your young children so that they know and accept that their parents expect privacy sometimes and are not always prepared to rush to fulfill their child’s needs on demand.

7. SEX IS NO LAUGHING MATTER

Playing, being silly and laughing are all great ways to deepen intimacy and enhance sexual pleasure. Some people believe that sex must be, can only be, ‘romantic’ and so attach a great deal of earnestness to the experience. It is possible to learn the benefits of lightening up. When sex cannot incorporate elements of play, it is often an indication of an impoverished emotional connection. Usually, it is not difficult to bring the fun back into sex, even if it feels a little forced at first.

When sex is viewed as about achievement and competition, then lightness and frivolity are likely to be absent. Keep in mind that sex is about whatever works for you and keeping play and foolishness a part of sex can help to prevent sex becoming a stale and predictable.

8. SEX MUST BE A GENEROUS ACT; I WANT TO SATISFY HIS/HER SEXUAL NEEDS

Great sex is both generous and selfish. Most people do get turned on by their partner’s arousal and this is fantastic but if you put all your energy into finding out what she/he wants, what about you? Who is giving you what you need? Being prepared to get your own needs met is an indication that you are willing to take care of yourself, rather than relying upon other people to meet your unmet and perhaps unvoiced desires.

Sexual communication is all about clarity, saying what you think and feel. It is also about setting boundaries, discussing what you do not like and both parties must be able to say no and for this to be accepted. If you find yourself having sex because you don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings, think about what you are doing. Honour yourself and what you want and share any feelings of ambivalence. This means that intimacy levels can remain high and misunderstandings are not given opportunity to distort your relationship with your partner.

9. PREMATURE EJACULATION IS A SIGN OF A POOR LOVER.

Being unable to control ejaculation is a worry for many men. Most practically, even if you have had an orgasm, don’t leave your partner high and dry. Often feelings of shame, failure and anticipating your partner’s disappointment mean that his orgasm means the end of sex. It comes back to widening your perception of what sex can be and not being enslaved to ideas about sexuality that are widely circulated in our culture.

In terms of his sexual pleasure, learning how to manage his anxiety about performance and being able to talk to a partner are the most effective ways of building sexual confidence. Some of the informal strategies that are popular in our culture do more harm than good. For example, trying to delay ejaculation by distracting yourself with non-sexual thoughts will do little to enhance your sexual pleasure.
This strategy is more likely to create a feeling of disassociation for him from his own body and the situation that he is in. It may help him to delay ejaculation (although this is debatable) but consciously focusing away from your physical pleasure is unlikely to facilitate peak sexual experiences. Being emotionally present during sex is crucial to sexual awareness and intimacy. It is a far more successful strategy for a man to learn about how to control his ejaculation than to continue to consciously create emotional distance from his partner and the sexual experience.

Tantric sex exploration is a great way to learn the capacity to control male ejaculation as it teaches techniques that enable him to distinguish between orgasm and ejaculation. Contrary to popular belief they are not the same thing!

10. AN ERECTION IS ONE AND THE SAME THING AS SEXUAL AROUSAL

This is a difficult idea for many people to get their heads around. Sexual arousal happens within a context that is emotional, physiological and visual. If you think about the nature of desire and attraction, recognise that it is not always a purely physical response; it involves idiosyncratic and sometimes unpredictable preferences. Sexual desire just does not exist without a sexual context. It is confirmed/reduced by the accompanying emotions and thoughts that you focus on at any time. Men have erections of varying hardness according to how they are thinking and feeling at the time. An erection does not necessarily mean that a man is fully, or even a little, aroused. He may become erect without feeling particularly sexy.

For men who are insecure about maintaining their erection, confusing erection with arousal means that they often rush into sex before they are completely ready. If you habitually move from low arousal into sex, desire may well start to decrease. Part of the reason for this is that many men feel that they may lose an erection if they don’t immediately act upon its presence. Having sex in an atmosphere of fear and insecurity is not going to give you the best sexual experiences that you are capable of having.

There are many things that men can do to learn to have more confidence and control over their erections and ejaculatory control instead of ignoring his insecurity and depriving himself of great sexual experiences. Whenever your decisions and actions are motivated by fear and uncertainty, you are selling yourself short in some way or another. Many men are not sure about where their pleasure comes from during sex and experience a lack of understanding about their own bodies that means that they are unaware that their whole body can become aroused. If you are committed to gaining ore control over your ejaculatory response, invest in some of the many interesting and informative guides that enable men to delay ejaculation and become more connected with their sexual potential.

There are many other myths that run people’s sex lives. Whenever you find yourself thinking ‘he / she / I should / must / ought . . . ‘, you are probably listening to the demands of a sex myth that is taking you away from what you want and think and encouraging you to follow what other people want and feel. When are you going to listen to and follow you own rules?

Recognise that the thoughts that you have affect the sex life that you create. Know that you can choose to change the way you think and learn self-acceptance, respect for your sexual self and experience ease, excitement and power in the ways you choose to express yourself sexually.

Funny thing is, few people seem to think sex education is important. Look at the examples. At school, you don’t spend a lot of time in sex ed classes, if you even have a sex ed class. Often, sex ed is taught during a biology class or a health class that doesn’t even last the whole year. Subjects like math and English get more time and attention at every school in the United States. I’m not saying that math and English aren’t important, but the amount of schooling you get in those twosubjects as compared to sex ed is astounding.

Schools often don’t spend a lot of time on sex education because administrators believe that sex should be taught in the home. Though, for the most part, not many parents want to talk about sex with their children-they want the schoolsto do it. And, to be honest, teens do not always want to hear about sex from their parents. (Yourparents only had sex the same number of times as there are kids in your family, right?) So, your parents’ idea of sex education may be something like:

“Wait until you’re married.”

“Don’t get pregnant,” or “Don’t get someone pregnant.”

“Use a condom please. I want you to be safe from AIDS.”

And rarely is there actually any discussion involved.

Now, I do want to be fair. Some parents do a great job of talking to their children about sex. I mean really talking about it. They’re open to questions, they listen to what you have to say, and they want to help. But they are sadly in the minority. And they should be applauded. But for the most part, it comes down to this: Your school isn’t giving you the answers you need. Some of them maybe, but not all for sure. And your parents are not letting you in on what they know about sex. So how important can sex education really be if no one is giving you the information you need? I mean, come on. Learning about sex only helps you learn about your body, your relationships with other people, and could possibly save your life. And are those things really that important?

Of course they are. But sex is a difficult subject to talk about-you know that.Sexual relationships are a very personal and private matter. And sex is also pretty abstract.The act itself is easy enough to describe, but all the emotions, feelings, and sensations that go along with it are not. So, talking openly about a personal, emotion-filled act is not an easy thing to do for anyone. It takes practice, time, and a lot of care. So, what happens is that many teens end up with partial information about sex and sexual relationships. They collect bits and pieces from their classes, their parents’ voices, and what they see on television and in the movies. Then, they try to fill in the rest of the information with what they hear from their friends, read on the Internet and in books, and of course, what they learn from personal experiences. And that’s how most of us learn about sex.

It may not be totally accurate, but some information is better than none, right? Well, maybe. Some information is good, as long as that information is right. And, as we all know, our friends, television, and other media are not always accurate. It is difficult to figure out what is and is not true sometimes.

Did you know that many men are not enjoying the sort of sex life they are capable of achieving? This is because most men simply don’t consider the possibility that their sexual performance can be improved easily and that it’s actually very simple to learn and master a new sex technique.

I congratulate you for simply being here and reading this. You have now spent more time learning about sexual improvement than most other men ever do.
Sexual mastery isn’t about taking a magic pill or enhancing the size of your penis
with the latest miracle gadget.

Sexual mastery is simply about learning accurate information and then applying
that knowledge successfully.

According to the Orgasmic Dysfunction Medline currently 33 to 50 per cent of all women experience female orgasms infrequently and are dissatisfied with how often they reach orgasm with their current partner. That’s up to 50 per cent of all women! And in my experience as a sex coach this statistic has proved to be true. Not just the g spot orgasm either but any type of female orgasm.

The reason we have so many unsatisfied women is because most people, men and women, simply don’t spend the time learning sexual skills, techniques and are generally atomically unaware.

People are ignorant of the possibilities of what can be achieved sexually. Plus the average man is quite poor at maintaining an erect penis and controlling his ejaculation compared to what he could achieve if he knew some simple techniques.

I now from personal experience as a sex coach that 99 per cent of guys can learn to really sexually satisfy women and perform brilliantly once they have learnt and applied the correct information. We’ve helped thousands of men on everything from anal sex advice to oral sex advice, from sexual confidence to controlling orgasms and seen huge improvement. All you need is an open mind to learn new ways to make your sex life more enjoyable and more fulfilling.

Just because you’re interested in learning more about mastering your sex life doesn’t necessarily imply that you’re not already a skilled lover.

As is true in most walks of life, the successful never stop learning and developing their skills. What it does say about you is that you’re open to learning new ideas about how to make your sex life more enjoyable and more fulfilling. You’re willing to see what new possibilities could be explored to improve on what already know.

Are you an average guy in bed?

The average guy has never read or learnt about sex techniques and positions. The average guy tends to have learnt about safer sex, STIs/STDs, pregnancy and so on. He’s also learnt about the functional aspects of love making but not the about the interesting parts on increasing the pleasure in sex and mastering performance. For instance, the average man performing oral sex will not have read an oral sex guide to help them master their oral sex technique. They just go with what they think may be good. Sometimes through experimentation the average guy can get good. But why not study and learn more about sex? Why stay in the dark? Knowledge gives you the power fully fulfill your partner in ways you may never have thought of.

Just think about all the men out there who spend countless hours and huge amounts of money learning to improve other areas of their life like hobbies, sports, business and so on. These same men then hesitate to learn and master one of the most fundamental skills – Sex.

This means the average man will know more about their favourite hobby than they do about pleasing their partner. They will have read more guides, tips and techniques about their hobby than learning about giving good oral sex, about sexual fetishes, love sex advice or whatever.

Why don’t men consider improving their sexual performance?

Maybe they don’t know where to look or how to practice. Maybe they have looked around and stumbled into all the inaccurate information out there. Or maybe they think their sexual skills and performance capabilities are something they are born with and can’t be improved. Well they are wrong! Dead wrong! New skills can be learnt and they can also be taught.

I improved my own sexual skills beyond what I thought was possible and learnt what works on all women. I became a male escort and then a sex coach.

Consider the possibility that sexual performance is something that can be easily improved and mastered. Consider also the possibility that there are real sex masters out there who can teach you to master your own sexual performance.

If, as a man, you’ve not been able to make every woman you’ve slept with have strong multiple orgasms consistently and with little effort then there are techniques out there you need to know.

I’ll re-emphasis that “with little effort”. It doesn’t require a lot of effort to give women multiple orgasms.

Becoming a “Sexpert” is not a magical or mystical process. It is something you can achieve. All you need is the right information, an open mind, a willingness to learn and the right motivation.

Kids today are learning about sex earlier and earlier. The biggest problem is: much of the information they’re getting is wrong. I cannot begin to tell you the incorrect and sometimes crazy things I’ve heard from my friends about sex, and much of this was when I was in college. That’s why it’s important for parents to talk to their kids about safe sex. That way, they get correct information from a reliable source. This could not only keep your child from becoming a parent too soon; it could also save their life.

Before you talk to your kids about STD’s and safe sex, go out and learn about it yourself. You can’t teach your child correct information if you don’t have it. Even if you were informed when you are younger, there’s a lot of information and products available now that you may have missed. There are tons of organizations out there ready and willing to inform you and your child about the options. If you don’t know where to get started, check out Planned Parenthood. They generally have the most up to date information available.

While your preference may be to teach your kids about abstinence as the only form of safe sex, this method is generally considered to be unreliable. It may seem that teaching them how to be safe is just encouraging them to have sex, but just advocating abstinence has repeatedly failed to keep kids from having sex. Plus, knowing the dangers of sex may discourage your child from having it.

Some parents may be uncomfortable talking to their kids about safe sex, but it important for them to get the information anyway. If you don’t feel you can talk to your kids, enroll them in sex education classes (a good idea anyway). If you feel your child isn’t responding, you can try to find them a peer educator, or refer them to websites by teens for teens (there are plenty of good ones). Someone their age may be better at getting their message across.

While it may be uncomfortable or hard for you to talk about, you should educate your child about safe sex. This way they can make informed, educated choices about their lives.Kids today are learning about sex earlier and earlier. The biggest problem is: much of the information they’re getting is wrong. I cannot begin to tell you the incorrect and sometimes crazy things I’ve heard from my friends about sex, and much of this was when I was in college. That’s why it’s important for parents to talk to their kids about safe sex. That way, they get correct information from a reliable source. This could not only keep your child from becoming a parent too soon; it could also save their life.

Before you talk to your kids about STD’s and safe sex, go out and learn about it yourself. You can’t teach your child correct information if you don’t have it. Even if you were informed when you are younger, there’s a lot of information and products available now that you may have missed. There are tons of organizations out there ready and willing to inform you and your child about the options. If you don’t know where to get started, check out Planned Parenthood. They generally have the most up to date information available.

While your preference may be to teach your kids about abstinence as the only form of safe sex, this method is generally considered to be unreliable. It may seem that teaching them how to be safe is just encouraging them to have sex, but just advocating abstinence has repeatedly failed to keep kids from having sex. Plus, knowing the dangers of sex may discourage your child from having it.

Some parents may be uncomfortable talking to their kids about safe sex, but it important for them to get the information anyway. If you don’t feel you can talk to your kids, enroll them in sex education classes (a good idea anyway). If you feel your child isn’t responding, you can try to find them a peer educator, or refer them to websites by teens for teens (there are plenty of good ones). Someone their age may be better at getting their message across.

While it may be uncomfortable or hard for you to talk about, you should educate your child about safe sex. This way they can make informed, educated choices about their lives.

In this article, I refer to sex offenders in the masculine he, him, his. This is for two reasons; most sex offenders, by a very large margin, are male; and it makes the writing of the article easier. The reader needs to know that everything I am writing applies also to female sex offenders, who make up approximately two per cent of the sex offender population in America.

As I sit here watching a certain newsrag program on a certain cable news channel, I hear an obnoxious woman start quoting statistics about sex offenders that are appalling! It makes me think to myself, “If they are so dangerous, why do we let them back on the streets? Why don’t we just lock them up for life? If it is true that almost all sex offenders re-offend, we should never let them out of prison again.” And this line of thought led me to my favorite question: Why are we doing it?

When the woman on the news show started spouting her statistics, I wrote them down to verify them. Here were the claims that were made: 90% of sex offenders will re-offend. 90% of sex offenders will commit a new sex crime within 3 years. Sex offenders cannot be treated. All child molesters are pedophiles. The only treatment that works for sex offenders is execution.

I immediately suspected there was some sort of conspiracy here. I thought for sure that the government was hiding something from us and releasing sex offenders back into the population for some nefarious purpose. I was determined to get to the bottom of it and report this information to you, the public.

Surprisingly, I did find a conspiracy after all. But it isn’t the one you think. The conspirators turned out to be news media. Newspapers, cable networks, magazines and even public networks. It seems that it is more expedient to MAKE UP the news than report on the truth. The media is responsible in a very large part for the myths and misconceptions surrounding these individuals. By misreporting information over the years, the media has been able to instill enough fear into our society that the mere mention of the term sex offender on their network increases ratings. Increased ratings mean more advertising dollars. Since we are willing and actually desire to hate sex offenders, we are also responsible for perpetuating these myths.

Sex offenders are amongst the worst of the worst of our society. We love to hate them. I will not make any excuse for them such as “they are misunderstood individuals,” or they are a “product of their society.” They aren’t. They are perverts with mental deficiencies who have chosen to commit crimes of the most despicable nature. They are sick people who need treatment, but not in the way a cancer patient is sick. Rather, they are sick in the way a drug addict or alcoholic is sick.

The myths and misconceptions surrounding sex offenders usually result in a stereotype of a grizzled old man hiding behind a bush and drooling over children in a park and offering a pocketful of candy (as in, “I have some candy in my pocket little girl, just reach in and grab some.”) The truth is, this kind of offender is very rare; most child victims will be molested in their own home or in the home of a trusted friend or relative. Most rape victims will be assaulted by a spouse or trusted friend. But, by perpetuating the myths, the media and general public can make themselves feel better about demanding the worst types of vengeance. It is easier to punish the stranger than the person we know and love. In doing this, according to the Hindman Foundation, a nationally recognized leader in the treatment of sex abuse victims, “many problems emerge with the detection, prosecution and management of sex offenders.”

So, let’s discuss the FACTS about sex offenders.

According to the Bureau of Justice, “Sex offenders were less likely than non-sex offenders to be rearrested for any offense: 43 percent of sex offenders versus 68 percent of non-sex offenders.” Remember, the loud-mouthed news reporter said it was 90%. Where did she get this fact? The truth is, she made it up. I found absolutely no corroborating evidence anywhere to support her claim. In fact, the most reputable agencies who track these statistics don’t even support the claim that “most” sex offenders will re-offend.

The Bureau of Justice further reports that, “Within 3 years of release, 2.5% of released rapists were rearrested for another rape.” Additionally, when it comes to child victimizers, they report that “An estimated 3.3%… were rearrested for another sex crime against a child within 3 years of release from prison.”

I came across one website of a fear monger who claimed that 25% of sex offenders will commit another sex offense within 15 years. When I contacted the owner of that site requesting that he tell me how he came up with that information he sent me back a reply which basically said that he made the number up after he read some reports and didn’t like their results.

Remember, the Bureau of Justice numbers are based on actual arrests, convictions, releases, re-arrests and new convictions in all 50 States.

Another reputable agency, the Center for Sex Offender Management, reports a bit differently, though they do not disclose how they arrived at their numbers. According to them, “child molesters had a 13% reconviction rate for sexual offenses and a 37% reconviction rate for new, non-sex offenses over a five year period” and “rapists had a 19% reconviction rate for sexual offenses and a 46% reconviction rate for new, non-sexual offenses over a five year period.”

Additionally they report, “Another study found reconviction rates for child molesters to be 20% and for rapists to be approximately 23% (Quinsey, Rice, and Harris, 1995).” It should be noted that these numbers are based on a considerably smaller control number than the BoJ. It doesn’t make their results any less valid, but it is important to put the information in perspective.

If the CSOM studies are based on a sampling of records, then they have to face the possibility that the records that were handed over to them were not random but rather, designed to meet some person?s political ambitions. Further, if they are based on local records, then those results are only good for a small area of the country. Since they did not disclose how they arrived at their results, we have no way of knowing how to understand their study. But it should be noted that they report on their website that sexually based offenses are typically underreported which could explain why their numbers are a bit higher than the BoJ’s. Also, the BoJ statistics are based on actual convictions and do not take into consideration charges dropped due to plea bargains and such. This may also contribute to the slightly higher numbers from CSOM.

Regardless of which numbers you believe, the fact still remains that sex offenders are vastly less likely to re-offend than any other criminal. Myth: the recidivism rate amongst sex offenders is 90%… BUSTED! (Myth: certain loud mouthed newsrag hosts make up statistics in order to increase ratings?CONFIRMED!)

Next we need to examine the claim that sex offenders cannot be successfully treated. I was recently watching an episode of Law and Order, Special Victim’s Unit where Ice T’s character stated that sex offenders could not be treated because they cannot learn to control their urges. (Please don’t hold it against Ice T. He is only an actor who was reciting lines that writers provided him. You can hold it against the writers for not verifying their facts.) Again, the statement made by that character and the statement made by Ms. Blonde Ambition are not supported by the facts. CSOM reports:

“Treatment programs can contribute to community safety because those who attend and cooperate with program conditions are less likely to re-offend than those who reject intervention.” Again, it is important to read what was really said here. I highlighted those words for a reason. The offender must be compliant with treatment conditions in order for the treatment to be effective. If the offender is non-cooperative, the risk of re-offense increases by as much as eight per cent as will be discussed below.

CSOM, when discussing treatment options for offenders, tells us that: “The majority of sex offender treatment programs in the United States and Canada now use a combination of cognitive-behavioral treatment and relapse prevention (designed to help sex offenders maintain behavioral changes by anticipating and coping with the problem of relapse). Offense specific treatment modalities generally involve group and/or individual therapy focused on victimization awareness and empathy training, cognitive restructuring, learning about the sexual abuse cycle, relapse prevention planning, anger management and assertiveness training, social and interpersonal skills development, and changing deviant sexual arousal patterns.”

A unique form of treatment that has yielded tremendous results over the past couple of decades is called ?restitution therapy? which requires the perpetrator to take responsibility for his actions and to, for lack of a better term, ?submit? to the victim. In doing this, the perpetrator relinquishes power and returns it to the victim. As will be discussed briefly later, this is very good for the victim?s treatment and recovery process.

They go on to say, “Different types of offenders typically respond to different treatment methods with varying rates of success. Treatment effectiveness is often related to multiple factors, including:

1- the type of sexual offender (e.g., incest offender or rapist);

2- the treatment model being used (e.g., cognitive-behavioral, relapse prevention, psycho-educational, psycho-dynamic, or pharmacological);

3- the treatment modalities being used; and

4- related interventions involved in probation and parole community supervision.

Several studies present optimistic conclusions about the effectiveness of treatment programs that are empirically based, offense-specific, and comprehensive (Lieb, Quinsey, and Berliner, 1998). The only meta-analysis of treatment outcome studies to date has found a small, yet significant treatment effect an 8% reduction in the recidivism rate for offenders who participated in treatment (Hall, 1995). Research also demonstrates that sex offenders who fail to complete treatment programs are at increased risk for both sexual and general recidivism (Hanson and Bussiere, 1998).”

In other words, sex offenders are less likely to re-offend than other criminals and if they are amenable to treatment they are even less likely than non-treated sex offenders to re-offend. Myth: Sex offender treatment does not work. The only treatment for sex offenders is execution: BUSTED! But in fairness, I must say it is busted with caveats.

Not all sex offenders are willing to undergo treatment. Reasons for this range from just plain denial that they have a problem to the fact that it is incredibly uncomfortable and difficult to discuss the root causes of the criminal behavior. Since it appears that over 98% of sex offenders are male, it makes sense that they would be unwilling to discuss these issues. In our culture and society, we tend to raise our boys in a manner that reinforces this behavior. With our understanding of human psychology increasing yearly, this cultural behavior is slowly changing.

We are finally beginning to understand that it is okay to let our boys cry and it is okay to discuss emotions and sex. This is a recent development and the more conservative elements in our society are still against such things. Sex is at the root of their anxieties. We have made sex such a taboo subject for so long, we can no longer bear to discuss this with our children. Ironically, these same people who will not discuss sex with their children are also at the forefront of the battle to keep sexual education out of our public schools. It seems that they just don’t want anyone to know about sex. It seems that conservative elements are trying to push their ideal that sex is somehow evil or solely for the purpose of reproduction and should not, under any circumstances, be enjoyed by those participating in such activity. And then we wonder why people are developing sexually deviant behavior.

Sex offenders have the ability to cross taboo boundaries that ordinary people seem to be unable to cross. It is the opinion of many sex offender treatment providers that the reason this is possible is because of the fact that we don’t discuss emotions, sexual respect and such with our young children. It seems that most sex offenders come from these kinds of conservative households. Again, from the category of irony, most sex offenders report that they were NOT molested as a child which is commonly thought by the general public. It also seems that most children who are sexually molested do not grow up to be sexual predators or sexual criminals as is also commonly thought by the general public.

So why are they able to cross those taboo boundaries that ordinary (notice that I do not use the word “normal”) people don’t? Theories abound about this. For some, it is to satisfy their need for power. Others get a thrill out of crossing those boundaries in the same way that a person gets a thrill from jumping out of an airplane. Still, others believe they have a religious right to engage in certain activities, such as incest. There are a host of other reasons, but I list these three as examples of the workings of the sex offender mind.

Sex offenders come in a variety of flavors. They are typically classified in the following categories: power rapists, indiscriminate child molesters, pedophiles, all others (this includes incest related crimes, prostitution, pimping, voyeurism/exhibitionism, etc.) It is interesting to note that the power rapists and the indiscriminate child molesters have the lowest recidivism rates (according to the BoJ website, it is 2.5% for rapists and 3.3% for child victimizers) leaving one to question the conventional wisdom about incarceration vs. treatment. With those statistics in mind, it means that the bulk of the sex offenders who re-offend are the pimps and prostitutes! With everyone up in arms about sex offense incarceration terms not being long enough for repeat offenders, why, then, are these offenders not receiving longer prison sentences?

Additionally, the question of registration must be revisited. It is obvious by the statistics that it is not the sex offenders we need to worry about. Once they are caught and undergo treatment, it is highly unlikely they are going to re-offend. However, other criminals, who are much more likely to re-offend, should be the ones registering. The other side of the coin is that as long as the sex offender’s whereabouts is known, it helps his neighbors and the supervision officials to keep tabs on him increasing the chances of his successful rehabilitation.

Pedophiles are a unique subset of sex offenders. Most people believe that any child molester is a pedophile. That is not the case. A pedophile is one who has a mental disorder that causes him to become sexually aroused ONLY to primary sexual characteristics. Primary sexual characteristics are those of a young child or (in the case of a hebophile) a pubescent child. This means they display the undeveloped or developing sexual characteristics such as lack of body hair, undeveloped penis, vagina or breasts, or, in the case of the developing adolescent, very little in the way of pubic hair, developing breasts, vagina or penis. Myth: All child molesters are pedophiles?BUSTED.

An indiscriminate child molester is different from the pedophile in that the child molester is aroused by both the secondary sexual characteristics of an adult, that is, developed sexual organs and mature body, as well as the primary sexual characteristics of the child or pubescent adolescent.

The reason that the distinction is important is that indiscriminate child molesters can be treated successfully and, as yet, there is no means of effective treatment for pedophiles. Unfortunately, there is no known method for increasing sexual arousal to secondary sexual characteristics. The best that can be done for the pedophile is to decrease his sexual arousal to children through the use of negative behavioral modification. This means that they expose the pedophile to audio and visual stimulation and allow him to become aroused. When he becomes aroused they cause some sort of negative thing to happen to cause his mind to associate the arousal with a negative action. For example, they may shoot a blast of ammonia up his nose at the moment he begins to become aroused. This is an extremely unpleasant experience, so the brain begins, over time, to associate deviant arousal to children with the negative experience of ammonia being forced up his nose. This will lead to a decrease in arousal to children.

Once this has been achieved, cognitive modification and restitution therapy can then take place allowing the pedophile to learn to control his impulses to react to children. The combination is usually sufficient to give the pedophile all the tools he needs to prevent himself from acting out on the deviant behavior again. It should be noted that pedophilia is an extremely rare condition. It occurs in less than 1% of all child molesters. The popular media use of the word to describe all child molesters is a deliberate misuse of the term.

Child molesters and power rapists can be treated effectively through the use of cognitive restructuring, negative behavior modification, intensive self therapy, and, of course, by being made to take responsibility for their actions, also known as restitution therapy.

There is a pervasive fear amongst the population that the convicted sex offender may move in next door. This irrational fear is based upon the popular myths perpetrated by the media. The truth is that the known sex offender is not the one of whom you need be afraid; you need to be afraid of the one you don’t know about. So who are they?

Typically, the sex offender works in a construction or industrial related job in a blue collar capacity. He is someone whom you know well, say a family member, neighbor or close friend. Usually it will be said of him that he was the last person one would have suspected of such behavior. He will be a church-goer, model citizen and pillar of the community.

This is not the case with all sex offenders, just the vast majority of them. Just because you know of a construction worker or factory worker who happens to be a nice guy and attends church and PTA meetings doesn’t mean he is a sex offender. Remember, most people are exactly what they seem to be. The difference is that the sex offender has to pretend to be like everyone else because he knows he is not.

That guy lurking behind the bushes with a pocketful of candy drooling over children should also be suspected. Don’t think that just because it is unlikely that he is a sex offender that he isn’t. What I am telling you is that you are very unlikely to come across someone of that type. If you fear for the safety of a child, err on the side of caution and call the police. I usually don’t advocate the calling of authorities before you have taken preventative measures of your own first, but in this case, you could be preventing a child from being molested. You could be forcing a sex offender to receive the treatment he needs to be a productive and law abiding citizen. In this case, I support using the authorities.

The next question is, how should they be punished? Many say that since they are sentencing their victims to a lifetime of pain and misery, the offender should spend their life without their freedom. On the surface, this sounds reasonable. But when we dig deeper, we see that the reasoning is not valid. In most cases of rape or molestation, it usually takes the between three and five years of therapy and hard work to overcome the feelings of powerlessness and emptiness they experience. If they are motivated to recover from their experience, and they are willing to confront their victimizer, they can usually fully recover. (Yes, I said, face their victimizer. Therapists universally agree that this is an integral step, usually toward the end of their therapy, which should be taken under very controlled circumstances. Maybe I will write an article about this later as it is a fascinating subject. In essence, the victimizer has the power taken from him by the victim thus placing the power back where it belongs.)

I know that it sounds like I am minimizing the ability of the victim to recover. I do not intend it to seem that way. I know that there is a lot of pain and suffering involved in the recovery process. The reason I only touch on it here rather than go into depth about it is because this article is about the offenders, not the victims. I will write an article about victims another time as my research into their condition concludes. I am still gathering data.

I also know that there are people who will never recover from their trauma because trauma affects everyone differently. These cases are in the extreme minority. I understand their situation and my heart goes out to them. But the facts are still the facts. Most people recover.

With this being the case, is it right to keep the sex offender behind bars forever? If we remove our emotions from the argument and listen solely to the facts, the only answer can be “no,” not at all. This is a hard argument for me to make since the specter of this vile crime has touched my life as it has so many others. It is not easy to let go of the hurt that the perpetrator caused his victim and those of us who trusted him. But, once I do let go of the anger and pain, I can see clearly that the facts do not support my emotional status.

This is not to say that my emotions are wrong, they are not. I have the right to feel betrayed, angry and hurt. But I, like so many others, will get over it.

Back on topic, what then, becomes a fair punishment? Execution? Well, for the fear mongers, this seems to be their punishment of choice. Castration? This option makes absolutely no sense at all. Removing the testicles of a sex offender will NOT reduce the impulse. Sexual offending takes place in the brain, not the penis or the testicles. If the intention is to remove the offender’s DNA from the gene pool, then we will also have to kill any children the offender may have had, which also makes no sense, not to mention is barbaric to even consider. Chemical castration, which uses Depo-Provera to reduce the sexual urge also makes no sense for the same reason. So it seems that incarceration is the only viable alternative.

So how long should a sex offender be incarcerated?

There was a study done some 20 years ago (unfortunately, I have been unable to find it on the internet and I admit I am working solely from memory about this study) that suggested that after three years of incarceration, an inmate will either have learned his lesson or he will never learn his lesson. During the original three years, the inmate is usually in denial of his crime or is railing against the system or is involved in the appeals process. So it makes sense, then, that if it is going to take the offender that long to come to the realization that he needs to take responsibility for crime, the punishment then should be, after three years of incarceration, the real prison term should begin. If it takes an average of five years for the victim to overcome their pain and suffering, then let the perpetrator serve eight years. Three years to get the nonsense out of his system and five years for his victim.

Now, I admit that the argument is made with some emotion. Again, the facts don’t support my emotional argument. It costs far less to have a sex offender undergo treatment than it does to incarcerate him. It typically costs between $5000 and $15,000 per year to put a sex offender on an intensive supervision plan WITH treatment. Conversely, to incarcerate WITHOUT treatment, averages $22,000 per year. After the incarceration, the taxpayers then have to cough up the money for the supervision and treatment. The offender has to pick up much of this cost himself by paying a fee for supervision and by being required to pay for his treatment. But the taxpayer still has to cover some of the burden.

If the treatment option is working, why are we not discussing using that option first? Or at the very least why not be treating them while they are incarcerated?

One would think that in a country that has 20% of the worlds criminal element incarcerated, we would be trying to come up with ways to stop the cycle of violence! For example, what is being done to prevent the situation from happening in the first place? I personally know of a situation where the parents of a child were concerned that their child’s behavior put him at risk to become a sex offender. They approached a therapist about it and the therapist said that the law prohibited him from doing anything about it until AFTER the child had committed a crime!

Yes, the problem is a complex one because it raises so many issues about the right to privacy, invasion of privacy by the government, unreasonable search and seizure issues, and a host of other Constitutional issues. But, at the same time, if we can prevent one child from becoming a monster, that means that we can prevent approximately 115 victims. That’s right, 115. It has been determined that each sex offender creates an average of 115 victims before he is caught.

This subject is so full of myths and misconceptions that I could continue on for many more pages and still only scratch the surface. If this topic stirs up enough debate, maybe I will write another. For example, I have only barely touched on the fact that the media deliberately misrepresents this issue for the purpose of obtaining higher ratings. In fact, I learned that one year, not to long ago, television stations and cable stations ALL used the sex offender issue to gain ratings during Sweeps week! In some cases it worked, and in others it did not. In fact, the only program of all the ones I watch on a regular basis, that did NOT use that issue to gain ratings was Star Trek; Voyager. (That probably gives away how long ago it was that this happened.)

I cannot put the issue more succinctly than the late Jan Hindman, when she said:

“It is not enough to shed tears for those who suffer the tragedy of sexual abuse, nor will much be accomplished nurturing hatred and devising punishments for those who sexually abuse. Only by sharing knowledge, providing training, exchanging ideas, and challenging traditional beliefs and biases can we respond effectively to sexual victimization.”

I have obviously not touched on ALL the issues involved with sex offenders. My primary goal was to dispel some of the myths surrounding sex offenders. If we can begin to understand the true nature of these people, maybe we can stop living in fear. If we can learn to educate our children to be on guard for these individuals without being afraid of them, maybe we can prevent more children from becoming victims. If we can learn more about how we can help these people become responsible citizens they will stop being a drain on our society’s resources.

Almost every oral sex information that men read is written by inexperience men who have no clue what women really want. When these guys go to work themselves, their women are just thinking, “OK, buddy, come back up for air, this is horrible.” Find out how to be the guy that she never thinks this about.

Most men feel that they have oral sex mastered, they think they know exactly what drives their woman over the edge. However, unless you have amazing communication about your sexual relationship, then you aren’t even going to know if you are doing well or not. The quickest way to know your performance is muscle spasms that are involuntary when you are doing something that she loves. She can fake that, but it’s not that likely, unless she really loves you.

The biggest problem that most men have is that they use their tongue way too wildly, they don’t concentrate on one location and master it. Repetitive focused pressure is what drives all women up a wall during oral, nothing else. The drawing all over her vagina idea with your tongue does not work, nor does slurping like a crazed dog. You simply need to slowly fore the tongue up and down the clitoris until she climaxes, it is really that simple. Everything else that you can do has to do with foreplay, because women are much more touch oriented than men who are largely visual sexual creatures. Remember, slow and steady wins, crazy fails, it is well known amongst women that this is the case.

More and more unwanted babies are being delivered in maternity wards due unprotected sexual encounters, is this what you want, a baby who demands your attention 24/7. Boys before you dip your wick so as to speak use a condom, not all premature dads are happy ones. If you decide to ignore good advice and a daddy you become and have made up your mind to have no involvement with the baby`s upbringing then fine, but I am not sure that others will see it that way (child support)

There is no positive side to having unprotected teen sex. Sadly at the time of coupling for some, passion distorts the way we think, where we believe that our partner is the one we want to spend the rest of our life with, but when mention of a missed period is raised that partner is now not seen as the ideal husband wife material.

Sensible advice to follow is to save your self for the right person, by doing this will make every sexual encounter more meaningful than that of a one night stand? Girls who have multiple partners in the early years are normally labelled a tart, how do you explain this to your future husband? Fortunately boys evade a title as such, however jealousy can prevail in a future wife`s thoughts. Life can be miserable living with mistrust 24 hours a day.

Sexually transmitted diseases are curable

Syphilis is caused by a bacterium which can be passed on through open sores. The earlier a sexually transmitted disease is treated betters the odds in the healing process. Syphilis has phases – primary secondary and latent. Death has occurred in the latent stage.

Syphilis develops in three parts. First part is painless sores formed on the genitals or mouth. The second are faint signs of a red rash on the inside of the hands, soles of the feet and other body parts. It is not unusual for red patches in mucous membranes to be seen. Any change in your well being should be checked over by a doctor. The latent stage will have seen the disease grown over a period of time (years) This is not a nice stage because the bacteria attacks vital body organs and if severely affected then so is your health.

Safe sex means to use a condom sometimes called a rubber sheath or French letter. Most STDs can be avoided to some extent by practicing safe sex. Information is freely given by your doctor or found in leaflets from your local clinic on Chlamydia, Syphilis, HIV, AIDS, and Gonorrhea.

A person with a gender identity disorder is a person who strongly identifies with the other sex. The individual may identify with the opposite sex to the point of believing that he/she is, in fact, a member of the other sex who is trapped in the wrong body. This causes that person to experience serious discomfort with his/her own biological sex orientation. The gender identity disorder causes problems for this person in school, work or social settings. This disorder is different from transvestism or transvestic fetishism where cross-dressing occurs for sexual pleasure, but the transvestite does not identify with the other sex.

A person with this disorder often experiences great discomfort regarding his or her actual anatomic gender. People with gender identity disorder may act and present themselves as members of the opposite sex and may express a desire to alter their bodies. The disorder affects an individual’s self-image, and can impact the person’s mannerisms, behavior and dress. Individuals who are committed to altering their physical appearance through cosmetics, hormones and, in some cases, surgery are known as transsexuals.

Diagnostic Features

There are two components of Gender Identity Disorder, both of which must be present to make the diagnosis. There must be evidence of a strong and persistent cross-gender identification, which is the desire to be, or the insistence that one is of the other sex. This cross-gender identification must not merely be a desire for any perceived cultural advantages of being the other sex. There must also be evidence of persistent discomfort about one’s assigned sex or a sense of inappropriateness in the gender role of that sex.

Children between the ages of 2 and 4 with gender identity issues are not uncommon. However, most children grow out of the wish to change their gender if treated early, before adulthood. If left untreated, he or she will probably continue to have problems throughout life.

Treatment of Gender Identity Disorders

Treatment of adolescents or adults with gender dysphoria or gender identity disorder is difficult. If possible, it is far better to prevent, diagnosis early, and treat such problems in early childhood. For milder forms of this disorder, psychotherapy can help the client to accept him or her self as a “transgender” person. The next step is to practice living the role of the opposite sex, informing relevant people (e.g., parents, friends, bosses), choosing a new name, and perhaps receiving some reversible hormone therapy, speech therapy, and cosmetic changes. If the ‘real life test’ is successful, sex reassignment through surgery and additional hormonal therapy is an option. However, continued counseling may be required to help the newly transgendered person learn to live with the changed body, surgical scars, fears about being discovered and fears about what to reveal and how to be sexual with a new partner.

Sex shops of yesteryear have proven their reputation of being dismal and dirty. What with their frosted glass windows hiding a dark and smelly interior filled with a lot of hardcore porn. The sleazy men going in were of a questionable reputation. No woman with a shred of self-respect would ever be caught in such an establishment.

However, you may have noticed that the climate has changed. Slowly, forward thinking store owners have realized where the buying power is and have been creating a new niche market: women-friendly sex stores.

The first to open its doors was Eve’s Garden in New York-founded in 1974 by women’s rights activist Dell Williams. According to the Eve’s Garden website, Williams felt so much shame walking into a department store and buying a hand held vibrator, it propelled her to fight for women’s sexual rights.

Then, in 1977, across the coast in San Francisco, feminist Joani Blank became dismayed by the lack of resources for women seeking accurate sex information and good quality sex toys. She opened Good Vibrations.

The challenge in smaller cities was that women like to cluster, discuss and get positive reinforcement when trying something new. The old retail model is skewed to men, who don’t mind walking into a sex store alone. And the women were not biting.

The woman’s solution? She gathered girlfriends in her living room so they could buy sex toys at home parties. Sex toy parties are similar to Tupperware parties except they sell all sorts of sex toys and paraphernalia.

Yet after a few years of seeing the sales skyrocket with the home parties, the sex toy industry realized that women were the bulk purchaser of items. Scrambling in the last five to ten years, every major city has seen a new retail model that has built stores exclusively according to women’s preferences.

A colleague of mine, John Ince, author of The Politics of Lust, owns and operates The Art of Loving in downtown Vancouver. His shop is what I would definitely classify as the new wave in sex stores.

The first time I walked into Ince’s store, it was a totally different experience from the sleazy shop of yore. It has the look and feel of an art gallery with airy ceilings, big sunlit windows, wood floors, plants and comfy leather couches. Immediately upon walking through the front entrance, I saw an area displaying tasteful erotic art.

Going up stairs to the right were shelves of sex-positive books. On the left hand side were sex toy products on display, which customers were able to pick up and check out. With each product, there was a description of how to use it as well as a troubleshooting guide to any health concerns customers may have. The staff were laid-back and ready to answer any questions without judgment.

I spoke to Ince about his business and clientele. He said 70% of his clientele are women, their mean age ranging from 28 to 45 years. John believes that people from all economic strata visit his shop and spend on average $40 to $60 per visit. Women tend to buy smaller items and, as they get more comfortable, graduate to the bigger ticket items such as The Rabbit (made famous by Charlotte on Sex and the City).

Education is a high mandate for Ince, and his store gives 60 to 70 sexuality seminars per year. Obviously, the more educated a woman is about her sexuality, the more comfortable she will feel-and consequently, the more likely she will buy sex toys.

If you’re still not certain sex shops are for you, let’s look at what everyone else is doing. Durex Condom’s 2003 Global Sex Survey cited the percentage of Americans who use vibrators to enhance their sex lives at 49%. The Babes in Toyland website state the number of vibrators sold when they first opened in 1993 to be 500; in 2004, the number rose to 83,250.

However with all of this sex-shops-really-aren’t-so-sleazy-anymore progress, the bulk of sex toy sales is still online. I guess people appreciate the anonymous, non-stigma attached to brown paper packaging.

In closing, the Good Vibrations website states: “We look forward to the day when talking about sex, shopping for sex toys and teaching our kids about sex is so easy, so comfortable and so common that we take it for granted.” Amen.