If you’ve never used sex toys, it can be enticing, intriguing, intimidating and scary all at once. The Rabbit was made popular when Sex and the City featured it one one of the shows. It’s not uncommon to hear that sex partners have broken them in a show of jealousy and “how could I possibly keep up with that!” There are a variety of toys to meet every need-everything from mild to wild. Toys offer the benefit of increasing the level of intimacy and closeness in your relationship and the satisfaction of knowing you can give your partner powerful orgasms. It offers the opportunity to for you to grow in your relationship by being able to talk about sex and desire and what’s important to you in this area of your life. If you can talk openly and honestly about this, you can do anything! Don’t let this opportunity slip away. Here are some tips to help you explore the possibility of using these “tools” with your partner.

====> Talk with a reputable sex toy dealer.

A dealer should make you feel comfortable and answer your questions frankly so you don’t feel embarrassed or intimidated. You can find them through websites, physical stores and through the home party system. A dealer will have knowledge about different items and can help you choose the best ones for you.

====> Don’t come at your partner with the mega beast dong attached to your harness and say, “I’m ready for you, baby!”

You will scare your partner so badly that they may never have sex with you again. Don’t bring up the subject while you are in the throes of passion. Set aside some time when the two of you aren’t distracted.

====> Start out slowly.

Start out with something that isn’t so intimidating. You can use some sensual products like edible lotions, massage products, feathers. A great start is to use warming massage lotions for an incredibly sexy and sensual massage. If you’re not sure about how to give a sensual massage there are great videos that will take you tastefully step-by-step on how to do one. There are edible body powders that you can apply with a feather. Dust this all over your partner’s body with the feather and then lick it off.

====> Add a small vibrator that you can use externally.

A bullet or or any egg-shaped vibrator that fits in the palm of your hand is a great way to start. You can target highly erogenous areas of the body and and drive each other wild! A wireless bullet is great to put in the palm of your hand and caress your partner’s testicles. It’s also great to massage your partner’s labia. If you like to play with each other in water, there are waterproof toys as well.

=====> Look at adding some other toys.

After you’ve talked with your dealer and experimented with some of the less intimidating products, it’s time to ramp it up a bit. There are toys that are designed to be used internally in the vagina and anally; there are toys designed to stimulate the penis through pumping action or sliding it through a silicone sleeve. There are also toys you can use to introduce a little bondage and fetish action into your bedroom. If you’d like to explore the wild side and are not quite sure, there are great educational videos that demonstrate how to go about adding this aspect to your relationship or you can consult with a sex educator.

Sex toys can never replace the human touch; they can’t cuddle with you or tell you that they love you. What they can do is add a level of excitement and novelty that can take your sex life to the next level.

It is often suggested today that an orgasm is so easy that every woman achieves it as if female sexuality is identical to male sexuality. And yet we all know that women don’t approach sex with the same genital erection (of the clitoris) that men tend to have so how can women hope to orgasm during sex as easily as men do?

The suggestion, that women need a good relationship and a considerate lover to enjoy sex, implies a difference. The suggestion that orgasm is unimportant, also implies different sexual expectations because this advice is NEVER given to men.

Many women dislike the eroticism that leads to enjoying sexual arousal and so they do not understand why anyone would want to stimulate their genitals. Consequently, experts continue to advise that woman’s sexual arousal with a partner depends more on her emotions and her relationship rather than on any appreciation of eroticism even though this is contrary to the male experience of arousal and orgasm.

Since female sexuality (for heterosexuals) is not associated with genital stimulation (of the clitoris), experts recommend panting exercises or flexing pelvic or buttock muscles. The fact that women need clitoral stimulation for orgasm is often missing completely.

Women are sometimes advised to eliminate distracting or negative thoughts (imagine needing to tell men to do this!) when approaching sex with a partner. There is no appreciation of how women can use sexual fantasies to achieve sexual arousal.

Some experts imply that women are being timid or bashful for not explaining to their partner how to provide them with the correct circumstances for orgasm. Any woman who knew how to orgasm would understand that, unlike men, women are not able to orgasm in multiple ways and almost on demand as men can. On the contrary, women are lucky if they find ONE way to orgasm.

I am sorry to be critical but it really does seem to be a case of the blind leading the blind: reminiscent of the scenes from ‘The Chicken Run’ where they are trying to teach the chickens to fly…!

Explanations for how women achieve orgasm often miss the point completely. Sex involves our enjoyment of:

• SEXUAL AROUSAL through an appreciation of eroticism (men use images women use scenarios); and
• ORGASM through genital stimulation (direct stimulation of the penis/clitoris).

Women who ask about orgasm are told that they are dysfunctional but no one mentions the FACTS about female sexuality that GUARANTEE that women will have difficulties with orgasm during sex.

How can every woman orgasm with a partner when most women limit their sexual experiences to vaginal intercourse, which provides insufficient clitoral stimulation for orgasm?

Images of naked men do not cause women to become aroused enough for orgasm. Instead they use sexual fantasies during masturbation. In fact clitoral stimulation is only effective during female masturbation when combined with sexual fantasies.

Many women do not identify with the explicit eroticism involved in achieving true sexual arousal. So although it is known that women use sexual fantasies for sexual arousal during sex this fact is rarely acknowledged. Unfortunately, some women find that they cannot use their fantasies during sex because of the mental focus required to achieve orgasm through fantasy.

It is understandable that women’s sexuality is misrepresented by the media. We all watch films and read books in part to be entertained. We don’t necessarily want to see real-life because we know what that’s like and it’s often depressing. We want to be uplifted by a fantasy view of the world.

Unfortunately this huge gap between sexual fantasy and reality means that men and women today are often disappointed when real life does not match these fantasy portrayals of sex. Until we change our sexual expectations, sex will always be taboo because we end up feeling inadequate.

One sex expert admitted that sex information is appallingly bad today but, as he put it, he is not prime minister and so cannot change what people think. I suppose it’s like global warming. We all feel that the problem is so huge that no one individual can do anything to change it.

I disagree. I don’t see why organisations that advise the public, especially young people, should not start publishing the truth. Likewise, erotic literature, as a form of fiction, can reflect our fantasies but books that are intended to inform us should reflect the known facts about women’s sexuality.

Very few sources today offer explanations or advice to couples on the basis of the facts that Shere Hite highlighted in the 1970′s. So today young people are still not told that intercourse is rarely orgasmic for women or that a woman is likely to struggle with orgasm with a partner by any means.

Even when experts admit that most women do not orgasm from intercourse, they appear to be oblivious to the resulting relationship problem. Women may accept that sex doesn’t lead to orgasm but a man wants his partner to be enthusiastic about sex so that he can enjoy sex fully.

Some sex experts tell me that my research is out of date. Apparently, the findings of experts in the 1970′s have been superseded by more modern researchers. How can the facts about our sexuality, or our understanding of our sexuality, be completely overturned in the space of a few decades?

Other experts tell me that we now know from laboratory experiments that the clitoris has as many nerve endings as the penis and, that as an organ, the clitoris extends back into the body and so it is more comparable in size with the penis. Is this a competition or what?

I do not doubt these facts but … SO WHAT? I question what they have to do with women’s real-life experiences of sex. I know that a woman can become highly aroused but how often do women experience this level of arousal in practice? And what do experts believe causes this level of arousal?

We never admit that there are many reasons why people say things. They want to impress. They are covering up their own sense of sexual inadequacy. They say what they think other people want to hear. They need to make money and have to print what people will read or what sells.

Why do men apologise when they make sexual remarks in front of women? Why do women so rarely make sexual remarks? Why do men buy flowers on Valentine’s Day? Why does experience improve men as lovers and yet young women are often considered sexier than experienced women?

I have wanted to know the answers to questions like these and I am surprised that no one else wonders. On the subject of sex no one seems to demand that one and one must add to two. It’s as if the emotional taboo and sexual politics mean that all logic and rational argument are suspended.